I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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