my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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