Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
