its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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