If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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