He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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