he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
