I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
