guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
