Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
