you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
