So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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