Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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