when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
