I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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