I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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