They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
