I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
