After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
