If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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