come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
