Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my phone needs a breathalizer
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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