Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
