Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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