Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
