Got a toothbrush?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
