I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
