i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
