Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
