omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
