Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
