the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
