Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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