When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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