the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
