So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
