I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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