Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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