It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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