So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.