ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
