I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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