Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
