The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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