He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
