I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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