"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
