she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
