Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
YAS. BRING CRAB.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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