My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
