Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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