I puked a lego.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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