I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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