At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
