Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
