Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
