I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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