I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
