can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
